Dancing...A letter from Mia

Julia,

There have been so many letters that I have written and rewritten. There are so many things that I want to tell you, share with you. I have waited until this special day. I have waited almost 22 years to share my story with you. I have waited to share my deepest secrets, my most intimate thoughts. I have waited to tell you about the 8 years of my life that I spent with your father.

In every girl’s life, there will be one special man. He is the one man who will be her first love. He will teach her what it means to become a woman. He will teach her what it means to love with all of her heart, to laugh, to cry…to hate, to forgive, to celebrate, and to be thankful. I sit here and my fingers pause, for where should I begin? Your father was my first love. Most people think of young, romantic, sweet things when they hear the words “first love”. For those of us who are old enough to have experienced it, we know that it isn’t always so. My first love was one that was filled with passion. A kind of passion that grew so hot, it burned my heart and left me with ashes. There is no emotion left unfelt by its bitter-sweet end. My feelings soared from one extreme to the other and across everything in between. A giant roller-coaster ride through my life!

I always smile when I think back and know that it wasn’t supposed to be, not from the very start…I was only 21, much like you are today, Julia. I was young and I was single. I had only gotten a tiny glimpse of what it meant to be a woman and to be in love, to feel like flying and then to come crashing down and have your heart broken. Being with your father taught me so much more than what I had already learned.

Your father and I were supposed to be on a double-date, a night on the town dancing our hearts away. My girlfriend was his date, and his friend was my date. Of course, it didn’t turn out that way. My girlfriend pushed the two of us out on to the dance floor during a slow song. She had already had one song with him. I guess 2 in a row were just a little too much for her. He asks me, “So, what do you think of Andy?” I glance over to see Andy making his way to the men’s room, saying “Hi.”, and laughing with the people he passes along the way. I turn back to Jay with a smile, “Well, I keep trying to forget that I’ve known him for 7 years and he was like a big brother to me all through high school! Other than that, I don’t think of him at all.” Laughter from both of us. I glance up and look into his eyes. They always seem so dark and serious. I smile, “So, what do you think of my Katie?” He leans forward as if he can’t quite hear me with all the noise. He pulls me a little closer to him. “What about Katie?” “I said, what do you think of her? Isn’t she perfect? I mean, you were the big tough football player and she was the cute little blonde cheerleader! Too bad you graduated the year before we got there!” “Ummm…she’s really cute! She seems like a nice girl.” He pulls me even closer. We don’t say a word for the next 3 minutes. I can feel his hand resting on my lower back. I had picked out a sexy summer dress to wear, a long fitted sundress with spaghetti straps and wild flowers printed on every inch of its fabric. At this very moment, the material almost feels like it is transparent. I can feel the heat from his hands, from his entire body. I notice that his right hand covers more than the left half of my lower back. His left hand rough and calloused, fingers so thick they hurt between my fingers. The muscles in his shoulder seem to have grown under his shirt. Suddenly, I feel so small. I realize for the first time how big and strong he really is. When the song ends, we slowly pull apart and give each other a nervous smile. Later that night we are on our way home. Andy has run off with some other friends from high school that showed up. Actually, we haven’t really seen him since 15 minutes after we got into the night club! This of course, is not a very big surprise. He was such a clown back in high school and was always so popular, always laughing and being loud.

We are parked at a gas station; it’s about 2:00 in the morning. Jay gets out to pump the gas and to get us something cold to drink. He has been playing chauffeur since us girls are riding together in the back. “O.K., what would you ladies like to drink?” Katie and I both look at the 7-11 sign. We say simultaneously, “Slurpees, please!” All 3 of us laugh. Jay says, “Gees, I should have guessed since you guys were such big drinkers tonight. I think you’re the cheapest dates I’ve ever had! I was getting funny looks from those bartenders asking for so much water all night.” He smiles at us, “Alright, I’ll be right back.” We laugh at his stupid Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonation and watch him walk into the store. Katie settles deeper into the leather seat and giggles to herself. I glance over at her. “What are you giggling about, Katie?” She looks at me and starts laughing whole heartedly, that wonderful unabashed child’s laughter. I can’t help but smile at her. “What? What is so funny?” Katie’s eyes widen with amazement. “So, do you really have blinders on, or what?” I look at her in horror, thinking that she doesn’t like Jay at all. Wow, I really mismatched for her this time. “What? You don’t think he’s good-looking? Come on, he’s totally hot, and you have to admit he has that crazy “bad boy and boyish charm combo thing” goin’ for him!” She laughs even harder. “Oh yeah, I do. He definitely is nice to look at! But, that’s not what I’m laughing about. I think he has a thing for you, not me!” There is silence between us while this registers in my head. My heart beat quickens a little, “Why do you say that?” Katie smiles at me, “Didn’t you feel anything during that slow song?” My face turns hot and I ask her what she means. She repeats, “You know…anything?” I’m silently praying that it wasn’t so obvious that I felt like I was dancing naked. After all, he is my friend and her date!Katie gives me her sly, bad-girl smile. “He’s got one hell of a body. I could feel all those muscles rippling under his shirt! I swear they have a mind of their own. They were dancing to their own tune!” I settle back into the seat, leaning a little closer to her I start giggling uncontrollably. “Yes, yes he certainly does. I guess I’ve known him for so long and I’m so use to it because he always gives me hugs when we see each other.” I close my eyes, still smiling. It really did feel good to be in his arms tonight. It was pretty crowded in there, but maybe he kept pulling me closer just because he wanted to. Katie gives me her “I’m right!” smile and says, “Well, I watched you two dance and I don’t think it’s a friendly sort of dance.” I sit up and look at her. I open my mouth to deny, but before I could even get a word out, she says, “I think that you should stop trying to play the match-maker and give him a chance to be with you! There’s definitely a little something more going on between the two of you guys. I mean, I probably have a better chance with Andy after seeing the two of you.” This brings out a whole new round of laughter. Apparently, we both haven’t forgotten Andy in high school. Katie and I sit in silence for most of the way home, glancing at each other and smiling. I reach across and grab her hand, we lean into each other and just enjoy the music and cool air blowing back from Jay’s open window. Well, at least the night wasn’t just another wasted date for both of us. Jay keeps looking in the rear view mirror, trying to figure out what we are up to. I whisper in Katie’s ear, “Next time you see him doing it, wink, K? I bet we can really freak him out if we both do it at the same time!” We break out into total laughter when he does a little swerve in the road.

So, this is how it all began, a long story to tell you, my little Julia. For your 21st birthday, I give you the gift of a story to let you know how much you are loved.Happy Birthday, Sweetheart!

Love,
Your Mother