I can't believe I only have minutes left. I walk around the room and light all the candles I have set out. Mmmm, the sent of bamboo and lemongrass fill my senses. I turn out the hotel room lights. I stand before the mirror by the bathroom's open doorway, bathed in the soft glow of the light spilling out.
My hair's too neat, too tidy. I tug on a few strands above my right eyebrow. The deep red strands curl and tumble over my eye. I pull a few more, one behind my left ear, the strands tickle my bare neck. Just perfect.
I add a little more deep mocha liner to the outer edges of my eyes, smudge just a little here and a little there. Now, how about another dab of that raspberry lip gloss. Oooh, smells like Jolly Ranchers. I pucker and give the mirror an imaginary kiss. Smiles, yes, I am going to do this.
I grab the Chanel No. 5. It's a classic, always a scent for you to remember me by. I dab it from behind my ears to the dip between my breasts, a little under, down my flat tummy, down my inner thighs, around my calves, down to my ankles. Try and escape me now.
I slide my powdered feet into my 4" strappy sandals. Oh, Jimmy Choo, you know how to draw attention to my legs, don't you, baby? They are the perfect shimmery soft nude color. Not too distracting, just enough to wink at you and draw your attention all the way down and back up.
I straighten up, one last look. Yes, this nightgown is perfect. Limey and sheer, tiny spaghetti straps, hugs me at all the right curves. The shimmery lime thong caresses me low on my hips. My breast rise and fall with each deep breath. I slide my hands over my breasts, down my waist, over my hips. I am going to do this. Tonight.
You wanted to meet here for one last night. Oh, Honey, I don't think so. Just because we are not at your place or mine, you won't forget this night. You will drive down this road and you will see this hotel, you will think of me, always. You won't be able to leave me, not this time, not this easy.
You knock softly on the door. I take a deep breath, close my eyes. You fell for me that first night so long ago! You tangled me up in your web! I remember your hands on my back as we danced. I remember how you looked at me! Now, years later and you want to run the other way, run as fast as you can? No, not this time. I am going to do this. Smile, now is not the time for tears. I shake my head from side to side, No, not this time. You will not make me cry this time. You will be the one to cry. You will be the one to beg me to stay and hold you, to never leave you.
I turn out the bathroom light. I walk to the door and open it slowly. The breeze brings a cold breath indoors and makes all the candles flicker. I see the light dance in your eyes. Yes, I saw your fear. It may have only been for a split second before you pulled your composure together and you stand there so tall and defiant, as always. Too late, I know, I saw it in your eyes.
I smile and you smile back. I take your right pinkie in my hand and draw you inside closer to me. You reach back with your other, you shut and lock the door as we go. I slowly take a few steps back. I wrap my arms around your neck and look up at you. You slide your hands along my waist, down my hips, around to my lower back. I lean up against you, unbutton your coat. You shrug your shoulders and slide out, coat drops to the floor and you kick it aside.
I rub up against your stomach, your chest. I pull your shirt from your pants, unbutton the buttons and slide my hands around to your back. I feel the muscles tighten up and go rigid. I don't stop. I start swaying so that you will dance with me. I tuck my ear up against your chest. Your heart is beating fiercely. It begins to slow. I feel you relax, drop your shoulders. I feel a small shudder. In the silence, I hear you take a breath and a hot tear drips on my forehead. I feel the hot moisture of your lips kiss my right eyebrow.
No, tonight will not be our last.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Monday, November 24, 2008
Prey...A letter from Mia
My sweet Julia,
I sit here restless. I can not sleep tonight. I hope that writing this letter to you will be my drug and that it will relax me enough to sleep. It seems that I have had too many restless nights over the years.
When I looked outside from the bedroom window this morning, the sky was just the most beautiful blue. There was not a single cloud in the sky! It looked so much like summer. You know how I feel about summer. Nothing feels better than that wonderful heat shining down to embrace you. Deceived by the scene, I stepped outside excited and ready for the challenge of my four mile walk. By the time I reached the sidewalk, the unexpected chill had nipped at my ears and brushed my face. A quick reminder that it is winter and no longer summer. I frowned at the cold and remembered a night so long ago. Your father and I had a horrible fight on the phone and I hung up on him. No matter how hard I try, I can't even remember what it was about. I just remember how angry he was that I would hang up on him and leave him with no control over the matter. Well, that's what I had thought.
Satisfied that I just hung up on him, I turn out my bedroom light and crawl under the blankets. I stare at the far wall and lose myself in the pattern left by the street lamp outside shining on my curtains. Numb and exhausted I close my eyes and fall asleep.I'm awakened by a knocking sound. I realize that it's my front door! I jump out of my bed and hurry to the door. The knock keeps getting louder and I am afraid the tenants around me will be woken up too. I peer out through the peep-hole and see him standing there.
Great.
I try to calm myself. I straighten my shoulders and I open the door. "Put your shoes on. Now."
I look up at him and ask him what he wants. "I said, put on your shoes. We are going for a drive and I swear, if you don't, I will wake everyone in this whole complex!"
I shut the door behind him and turn to walk back into my room. I pull some pants on and grab the first sweatshirt I can find. I put my Nike's on with no socks. I keep thinking how insane this is, but I would rather not have the neighbors involved. I walk back out into the hall, only to find the front door wide open. Apparently, he wasn't about to wait for me to put shoes on. I can hear the low purr of his car. Great. I hastily tie my shoes.
I hurry and walk to his car. I slide into the passenger seat and buckle my seat belt, knowing it would be necessary tonight. Without a single word to me, he backs out of the parking lot in a hurry and goes racing out of the complex. Minutes later we are parked at an empty strip mall that has been abandoned by shoppers hours ago. He parks under a street lamp and turns the car off. I glance at him out of the corner of my eye. He is staring straight ahead with a blank expression, still no words. I sigh and look out the passenger window. My heart begins to pound in my chest. I can feel the anger seeping out from his body.
He turns to me and says, almost in a whisper, "If YOU ever hang up on me again, you can count on never talking to me again for the rest of your life. Do you understand?"
I can not believe that he has dragged me out of bed to make this announcement? I think to myself how incredible it is that he has no clue that he is not the only one thinking about us never talking again. Without answering him, I reach for the door handle. The locks click.
"Where do you think you are going?"
I try to unlock the door. Not a second later, the locks click again. "I ASKED YOU, where are you going?"
I quietly say, "Please, just let me go." I continue to try for the door and keep myself from looking at him.
"NO! No, you are going to answer my question. Do you understand? You are never going to hang up on me again. I didn't take an hour drive to have you just act like I didn't' say anything.
"Tears start to stream down my face. I can feel my heart pounding in my chest. His words no longer have meaning. I can only hear the anger. I can only feel the fear welling up in my chest.
Outraged by seeing my tears dripping off my chin, he screams, "WHAT ARE YOU CRYING FOR?" As if he needed to ask? He suddenly reaches across, I melt into my seat. "What? What? You think I would hit your or something?" His voice gets louder. "FINE!" He opens the door and he gives me a slight push, "GET OUT! Don't let me stop you from doing whatever the hell it is you want!"
In my fear and rush to get away, my foot gets caught on the door frame and I fall to the ground. A sharp pain radiates from my elbow to my shoulder. I shut the door and I crawl a few paces away. I stand up and I start to run across the parking lot. I run across the street, not paying attention to the cars racing on the four lane road. Cars blare their horns at me and I jump form the sounds. I hurry across the rest of the road and ignore all the headlights. I run around the Dairy Queen and lean up against a wall facing the Jiffy Lube. I hide next to the dumpster.
I know that he will come after me. I try to think of how I'm going to make the three miles home in the dark. I start to feel the cold winter air penetrate my sweatshirt. The chill nips my ears and brushes my face. I realize that I have never, in three years, been this afraid of him and what he will do. I don't know what is worse, letting him catch up to me or the three miles home in the middle of the night.
I see headlights shining on the ground. I know that he has followed me. I head for some bushes on the edge of the parking lot. "Mia!" I crawl through the bushes ignoring the scrapes from the branches. "Mia! I'm sorry. Baby, don't do this. I'm sorry." I sink down on my knees in the dirt.
There is a fence on the other side. No! No, no, no.
In a softer voice now. "Mia? Baby, I don't know what I was thinking. Please come out. I'll drive you home and take care of you. I promise. I won't even come in if you don't want me to. Please? Baby, I'm sorry."
I hear his footsteps coming closer. I feel his hand on my back. I lean into the fence and hear the sounds coming from inside of me, deep in my throat. The high pitch cry belongs to some wounded animal, not me. I don't even realize that it is me.
"Oh, Baby. Mia, please stop. Mia, you're scaring me." His arms wrap around me and he pulls me out of the bushes towards him. He coaxes me to stand up. He leads me back to the car. I walk like some old lady down a hospital corridor. He puts me into the seat and buckles me up. I am sobbing uncontrollably. My entire body shakes with spasms. I can't even breath.
We finally get back to the apartment. I don't even know how we get inside without the keys. I don't even know if I actually locked the door before leaving. He takes me into the bathroom and begins to run me a hot bath. He asks me, "Baby, what do you want me to do? I'll do anything you need me to." I don't respond. "Baby, please? Can you get into the tub by yourself? You're going to get sick if you don't. You're so cold. I'll get you some clothes." I still don't respond. I just stand and look at myself in the mirror. What has happened to me? He turns and leaves to get my clothes.
I turn and I shut the door. I push in the lock. I strip off my clothes and I sink into the bubbles and close my eyes.
It has been so long since I've thought of that night. I guess it must have been that same chill in the air this morning.
Oh, Julia. I pray that you will never have to endure a night like that. I pray that you will never know what it feels like to be followed and hunted, chased into the bushes like an animal by it's predator, to be caught and helpless.
I am tired now. The memory has drained me. I am thankful that sleep will come tonight.
Love,
Your Mother
I sit here restless. I can not sleep tonight. I hope that writing this letter to you will be my drug and that it will relax me enough to sleep. It seems that I have had too many restless nights over the years.
When I looked outside from the bedroom window this morning, the sky was just the most beautiful blue. There was not a single cloud in the sky! It looked so much like summer. You know how I feel about summer. Nothing feels better than that wonderful heat shining down to embrace you. Deceived by the scene, I stepped outside excited and ready for the challenge of my four mile walk. By the time I reached the sidewalk, the unexpected chill had nipped at my ears and brushed my face. A quick reminder that it is winter and no longer summer. I frowned at the cold and remembered a night so long ago. Your father and I had a horrible fight on the phone and I hung up on him. No matter how hard I try, I can't even remember what it was about. I just remember how angry he was that I would hang up on him and leave him with no control over the matter. Well, that's what I had thought.
Satisfied that I just hung up on him, I turn out my bedroom light and crawl under the blankets. I stare at the far wall and lose myself in the pattern left by the street lamp outside shining on my curtains. Numb and exhausted I close my eyes and fall asleep.I'm awakened by a knocking sound. I realize that it's my front door! I jump out of my bed and hurry to the door. The knock keeps getting louder and I am afraid the tenants around me will be woken up too. I peer out through the peep-hole and see him standing there.
Great.
I try to calm myself. I straighten my shoulders and I open the door. "Put your shoes on. Now."
I look up at him and ask him what he wants. "I said, put on your shoes. We are going for a drive and I swear, if you don't, I will wake everyone in this whole complex!"
I shut the door behind him and turn to walk back into my room. I pull some pants on and grab the first sweatshirt I can find. I put my Nike's on with no socks. I keep thinking how insane this is, but I would rather not have the neighbors involved. I walk back out into the hall, only to find the front door wide open. Apparently, he wasn't about to wait for me to put shoes on. I can hear the low purr of his car. Great. I hastily tie my shoes.
I hurry and walk to his car. I slide into the passenger seat and buckle my seat belt, knowing it would be necessary tonight. Without a single word to me, he backs out of the parking lot in a hurry and goes racing out of the complex. Minutes later we are parked at an empty strip mall that has been abandoned by shoppers hours ago. He parks under a street lamp and turns the car off. I glance at him out of the corner of my eye. He is staring straight ahead with a blank expression, still no words. I sigh and look out the passenger window. My heart begins to pound in my chest. I can feel the anger seeping out from his body.
He turns to me and says, almost in a whisper, "If YOU ever hang up on me again, you can count on never talking to me again for the rest of your life. Do you understand?"
I can not believe that he has dragged me out of bed to make this announcement? I think to myself how incredible it is that he has no clue that he is not the only one thinking about us never talking again. Without answering him, I reach for the door handle. The locks click.
"Where do you think you are going?"
I try to unlock the door. Not a second later, the locks click again. "I ASKED YOU, where are you going?"
I quietly say, "Please, just let me go." I continue to try for the door and keep myself from looking at him.
"NO! No, you are going to answer my question. Do you understand? You are never going to hang up on me again. I didn't take an hour drive to have you just act like I didn't' say anything.
"Tears start to stream down my face. I can feel my heart pounding in my chest. His words no longer have meaning. I can only hear the anger. I can only feel the fear welling up in my chest.
Outraged by seeing my tears dripping off my chin, he screams, "WHAT ARE YOU CRYING FOR?" As if he needed to ask? He suddenly reaches across, I melt into my seat. "What? What? You think I would hit your or something?" His voice gets louder. "FINE!" He opens the door and he gives me a slight push, "GET OUT! Don't let me stop you from doing whatever the hell it is you want!"
In my fear and rush to get away, my foot gets caught on the door frame and I fall to the ground. A sharp pain radiates from my elbow to my shoulder. I shut the door and I crawl a few paces away. I stand up and I start to run across the parking lot. I run across the street, not paying attention to the cars racing on the four lane road. Cars blare their horns at me and I jump form the sounds. I hurry across the rest of the road and ignore all the headlights. I run around the Dairy Queen and lean up against a wall facing the Jiffy Lube. I hide next to the dumpster.
I know that he will come after me. I try to think of how I'm going to make the three miles home in the dark. I start to feel the cold winter air penetrate my sweatshirt. The chill nips my ears and brushes my face. I realize that I have never, in three years, been this afraid of him and what he will do. I don't know what is worse, letting him catch up to me or the three miles home in the middle of the night.
I see headlights shining on the ground. I know that he has followed me. I head for some bushes on the edge of the parking lot. "Mia!" I crawl through the bushes ignoring the scrapes from the branches. "Mia! I'm sorry. Baby, don't do this. I'm sorry." I sink down on my knees in the dirt.
There is a fence on the other side. No! No, no, no.
In a softer voice now. "Mia? Baby, I don't know what I was thinking. Please come out. I'll drive you home and take care of you. I promise. I won't even come in if you don't want me to. Please? Baby, I'm sorry."
I hear his footsteps coming closer. I feel his hand on my back. I lean into the fence and hear the sounds coming from inside of me, deep in my throat. The high pitch cry belongs to some wounded animal, not me. I don't even realize that it is me.
"Oh, Baby. Mia, please stop. Mia, you're scaring me." His arms wrap around me and he pulls me out of the bushes towards him. He coaxes me to stand up. He leads me back to the car. I walk like some old lady down a hospital corridor. He puts me into the seat and buckles me up. I am sobbing uncontrollably. My entire body shakes with spasms. I can't even breath.
We finally get back to the apartment. I don't even know how we get inside without the keys. I don't even know if I actually locked the door before leaving. He takes me into the bathroom and begins to run me a hot bath. He asks me, "Baby, what do you want me to do? I'll do anything you need me to." I don't respond. "Baby, please? Can you get into the tub by yourself? You're going to get sick if you don't. You're so cold. I'll get you some clothes." I still don't respond. I just stand and look at myself in the mirror. What has happened to me? He turns and leaves to get my clothes.
I turn and I shut the door. I push in the lock. I strip off my clothes and I sink into the bubbles and close my eyes.
It has been so long since I've thought of that night. I guess it must have been that same chill in the air this morning.
Oh, Julia. I pray that you will never have to endure a night like that. I pray that you will never know what it feels like to be followed and hunted, chased into the bushes like an animal by it's predator, to be caught and helpless.
I am tired now. The memory has drained me. I am thankful that sleep will come tonight.
Love,
Your Mother
Uncle Johnathon...A letter from Mia
Julia,
I had the most interesting conversation with Uncle Johnathon today. I told him that I was writing these letters to you. We started talking about all the times that we shared. We took quite a trip down memory lane. Boy, did we have some good laughs. I am so fortunate to have him as my friend. I will never forget how we met.
It was during the second year of my life with your Father. We were having another one of our "break-ups" and I had decided to go out to the night club alone. By now, I was a regular and I had so many friends there, I was quite comfortable with showing up alone. Your Father was there, of course. He was almost part of the decor! You would think he was getting paid to be there. He sure loved the clubs.
Half way through the night, I was wandering around looking for people to talk to. The night had been quite uneventful. When I walked up to the edge of the dance floor to see who was dancing, I noticed this young guy sitting in a chair. He was half way on the dance floor, staring at his feet. Now, you can imagine that this is not a normal sight in a night club! Being the big flirt that I am, I strolled over and walked past him. In doing so, I leaned down and waved my hand in front of his lowered face. When he looked up at me, I smiled and waved, "Hello." I didn't get much of a response other than a weak smile, so I moved on. I was pretty disappointed since he was really cute!
Later that night, Johnathon approached me and introduced himself. He asked me to dance. From the very first start, I could tell that he was quite the gentleman! We danced and he goofed off and made me laugh like crazy the entire time. I was so busy laughing, I didn't have enough energy to be embarrassed by it all!
At the end of the night when everyone was leaving, I ran into him again in the lobby. His friends were with him, as mine were with me. I asked him if they would like to join us for breakfast. He thanked me and told me that they already had plans. He suggested the next weekend if we were going to be out again. He asked me for my phone number. It was very rare that I would give my number to a total stranger, but something in Johnathon's face told me that I could trust him. I waited for him to get a pen and he laughed while I just stood there. He told me to just tell him. I thought he must be really drunk to think he could remember it! So, I recited my number and wrote him off. We said our goodbyes.
I didn't hear from him all week and thought for sure he had forgotten my number. That Friday, he actually called! I was so shocked that he could remember my number. We talked for a little bit and we both admitted that we had both been at the club trying to ignor our exes! I guess his was giving him a hard time and he wasn't able to enjoy himself at all until I interrupted his foul mood. He asked me if I was planning to go out the next night. I told him that I was, but didn't know for sure. He asked if he could call back to check and that maybe we could plan on meeting up and do breakfast afterwards. I told him that it sounded like a plan! Well, plans never seem to work out quite right, do they?
The phone rings and I ignore it, hoping that it is for my Mom or Dad. Nope, no such luck. My Mom yells my name from the hallway and tells me that it is for me.
I should really get my own phone line!
I wipe my tears and take a deep breath as I pick up the phone. Before I say anything else, I ask my Mom to hang up on her end.
"Hello?"
"Wow, cool! I didn't know you knew another language."
A little confused by the voice on the other end, "Um, yeah. I do. That was my Mom. Uh, who is this?"
A low chuckle on the other end, "So, she forgets me already. I was suppose to call back today, remember?"
I realize that it is Johnathon. "No. I really didn't think you would. Um, is it alright if I have your number and call you back?"
A pause on the other end. "Mia? Is everything alright? I'm sorry I didn't pick up on it at first, but either you have a really bad cold or you've been crying?"
I hesitate before I answer. "Um, no I'm not really OK, but I should just go and maybe we can talk later?"
"Mia, I know you really don't know me at all, but I wish you would just tell me what's wrong. I promise that I won't say anything. Hell, who the heck would I say anything to? Do we even know the same people?"
Something in his soft and soothing voice tells me that it's OK to trust him. I sit here in silence not knowing if I should say anything.
"Mia? Please, really, I would love to be your friend. Let me be your friend. I could come pick you up if you want to go somewhere quiet and talk."
The tears begin to flow faster. I take a deep breath and say in a shaky voice, "I just took a pregnancy test. It came out positive."
Silence. Total and complete silence.
Great.
"Oh. Gees, does your ex know? Have you told him yet?"
"Yeah. I just called him a little while ago. He didn't say much. It doesn't sound like he's overly excited to hear from me to begin with! We really didn't talk at all. I don't know what to do."
"Do you want me to come get you?"
"No, I don't think I really have much to say. I'm still in shock, I think. You should just go out and have some fun, don't worry about me. It's not your problem. You don't even know me!"
"Mia, I know it isn't my problem. I want to help."
I sigh again and try to stop crying. "Please, just go out. Thanks for listening and being there for me. I think I just need some time to myself."
Silence from him.
"Mia, take down my pager number. Promise me, promise you will call me if you change your mind and need someone to talk to? I guess there's nothing else I can really do if you don't let me. I'll understand i you don't call me back at all. I just hope that you will."
I take down his number and I thank him again. I hang up the phone and crawl deeper under my covers. I just don't know what to do.
Johnathon was so sweet to offer me a shoulder to cry on and he didn't even know me at all. I think back on that night and smile. He has been there fro me from the very start.
Julia, your Uncle Johnathon is one exceptional man. I think that if timing had been different, we would have ended up being much more. I am blessed to have him as my friend. Then again, how we became such good friends is a whole story in it's own!
A story I'll have to save for another day. Maybe tomorrow.
Love,
Your Mother
I had the most interesting conversation with Uncle Johnathon today. I told him that I was writing these letters to you. We started talking about all the times that we shared. We took quite a trip down memory lane. Boy, did we have some good laughs. I am so fortunate to have him as my friend. I will never forget how we met.
It was during the second year of my life with your Father. We were having another one of our "break-ups" and I had decided to go out to the night club alone. By now, I was a regular and I had so many friends there, I was quite comfortable with showing up alone. Your Father was there, of course. He was almost part of the decor! You would think he was getting paid to be there. He sure loved the clubs.
Half way through the night, I was wandering around looking for people to talk to. The night had been quite uneventful. When I walked up to the edge of the dance floor to see who was dancing, I noticed this young guy sitting in a chair. He was half way on the dance floor, staring at his feet. Now, you can imagine that this is not a normal sight in a night club! Being the big flirt that I am, I strolled over and walked past him. In doing so, I leaned down and waved my hand in front of his lowered face. When he looked up at me, I smiled and waved, "Hello." I didn't get much of a response other than a weak smile, so I moved on. I was pretty disappointed since he was really cute!
Later that night, Johnathon approached me and introduced himself. He asked me to dance. From the very first start, I could tell that he was quite the gentleman! We danced and he goofed off and made me laugh like crazy the entire time. I was so busy laughing, I didn't have enough energy to be embarrassed by it all!
At the end of the night when everyone was leaving, I ran into him again in the lobby. His friends were with him, as mine were with me. I asked him if they would like to join us for breakfast. He thanked me and told me that they already had plans. He suggested the next weekend if we were going to be out again. He asked me for my phone number. It was very rare that I would give my number to a total stranger, but something in Johnathon's face told me that I could trust him. I waited for him to get a pen and he laughed while I just stood there. He told me to just tell him. I thought he must be really drunk to think he could remember it! So, I recited my number and wrote him off. We said our goodbyes.
I didn't hear from him all week and thought for sure he had forgotten my number. That Friday, he actually called! I was so shocked that he could remember my number. We talked for a little bit and we both admitted that we had both been at the club trying to ignor our exes! I guess his was giving him a hard time and he wasn't able to enjoy himself at all until I interrupted his foul mood. He asked me if I was planning to go out the next night. I told him that I was, but didn't know for sure. He asked if he could call back to check and that maybe we could plan on meeting up and do breakfast afterwards. I told him that it sounded like a plan! Well, plans never seem to work out quite right, do they?
The phone rings and I ignore it, hoping that it is for my Mom or Dad. Nope, no such luck. My Mom yells my name from the hallway and tells me that it is for me.
I should really get my own phone line!
I wipe my tears and take a deep breath as I pick up the phone. Before I say anything else, I ask my Mom to hang up on her end.
"Hello?"
"Wow, cool! I didn't know you knew another language."
A little confused by the voice on the other end, "Um, yeah. I do. That was my Mom. Uh, who is this?"
A low chuckle on the other end, "So, she forgets me already. I was suppose to call back today, remember?"
I realize that it is Johnathon. "No. I really didn't think you would. Um, is it alright if I have your number and call you back?"
A pause on the other end. "Mia? Is everything alright? I'm sorry I didn't pick up on it at first, but either you have a really bad cold or you've been crying?"
I hesitate before I answer. "Um, no I'm not really OK, but I should just go and maybe we can talk later?"
"Mia, I know you really don't know me at all, but I wish you would just tell me what's wrong. I promise that I won't say anything. Hell, who the heck would I say anything to? Do we even know the same people?"
Something in his soft and soothing voice tells me that it's OK to trust him. I sit here in silence not knowing if I should say anything.
"Mia? Please, really, I would love to be your friend. Let me be your friend. I could come pick you up if you want to go somewhere quiet and talk."
The tears begin to flow faster. I take a deep breath and say in a shaky voice, "I just took a pregnancy test. It came out positive."
Silence. Total and complete silence.
Great.
"Oh. Gees, does your ex know? Have you told him yet?"
"Yeah. I just called him a little while ago. He didn't say much. It doesn't sound like he's overly excited to hear from me to begin with! We really didn't talk at all. I don't know what to do."
"Do you want me to come get you?"
"No, I don't think I really have much to say. I'm still in shock, I think. You should just go out and have some fun, don't worry about me. It's not your problem. You don't even know me!"
"Mia, I know it isn't my problem. I want to help."
I sigh again and try to stop crying. "Please, just go out. Thanks for listening and being there for me. I think I just need some time to myself."
Silence from him.
"Mia, take down my pager number. Promise me, promise you will call me if you change your mind and need someone to talk to? I guess there's nothing else I can really do if you don't let me. I'll understand i you don't call me back at all. I just hope that you will."
I take down his number and I thank him again. I hang up the phone and crawl deeper under my covers. I just don't know what to do.
Johnathon was so sweet to offer me a shoulder to cry on and he didn't even know me at all. I think back on that night and smile. He has been there fro me from the very start.
Julia, your Uncle Johnathon is one exceptional man. I think that if timing had been different, we would have ended up being much more. I am blessed to have him as my friend. Then again, how we became such good friends is a whole story in it's own!
A story I'll have to save for another day. Maybe tomorrow.
Love,
Your Mother
Dancing...A letter from Mia
Julia,
There have been so many letters that I have written and rewritten. There are so many things that I want to tell you, share with you. I have waited until this special day. I have waited almost 22 years to share my story with you. I have waited to share my deepest secrets, my most intimate thoughts. I have waited to tell you about the 8 years of my life that I spent with your father.
In every girl’s life, there will be one special man. He is the one man who will be her first love. He will teach her what it means to become a woman. He will teach her what it means to love with all of her heart, to laugh, to cry…to hate, to forgive, to celebrate, and to be thankful. I sit here and my fingers pause, for where should I begin? Your father was my first love. Most people think of young, romantic, sweet things when they hear the words “first love”. For those of us who are old enough to have experienced it, we know that it isn’t always so. My first love was one that was filled with passion. A kind of passion that grew so hot, it burned my heart and left me with ashes. There is no emotion left unfelt by its bitter-sweet end. My feelings soared from one extreme to the other and across everything in between. A giant roller-coaster ride through my life!
I always smile when I think back and know that it wasn’t supposed to be, not from the very start…I was only 21, much like you are today, Julia. I was young and I was single. I had only gotten a tiny glimpse of what it meant to be a woman and to be in love, to feel like flying and then to come crashing down and have your heart broken. Being with your father taught me so much more than what I had already learned.
Your father and I were supposed to be on a double-date, a night on the town dancing our hearts away. My girlfriend was his date, and his friend was my date. Of course, it didn’t turn out that way. My girlfriend pushed the two of us out on to the dance floor during a slow song. She had already had one song with him. I guess 2 in a row were just a little too much for her. He asks me, “So, what do you think of Andy?” I glance over to see Andy making his way to the men’s room, saying “Hi.”, and laughing with the people he passes along the way. I turn back to Jay with a smile, “Well, I keep trying to forget that I’ve known him for 7 years and he was like a big brother to me all through high school! Other than that, I don’t think of him at all.” Laughter from both of us. I glance up and look into his eyes. They always seem so dark and serious. I smile, “So, what do you think of my Katie?” He leans forward as if he can’t quite hear me with all the noise. He pulls me a little closer to him. “What about Katie?” “I said, what do you think of her? Isn’t she perfect? I mean, you were the big tough football player and she was the cute little blonde cheerleader! Too bad you graduated the year before we got there!” “Ummm…she’s really cute! She seems like a nice girl.” He pulls me even closer. We don’t say a word for the next 3 minutes. I can feel his hand resting on my lower back. I had picked out a sexy summer dress to wear, a long fitted sundress with spaghetti straps and wild flowers printed on every inch of its fabric. At this very moment, the material almost feels like it is transparent. I can feel the heat from his hands, from his entire body. I notice that his right hand covers more than the left half of my lower back. His left hand rough and calloused, fingers so thick they hurt between my fingers. The muscles in his shoulder seem to have grown under his shirt. Suddenly, I feel so small. I realize for the first time how big and strong he really is. When the song ends, we slowly pull apart and give each other a nervous smile. Later that night we are on our way home. Andy has run off with some other friends from high school that showed up. Actually, we haven’t really seen him since 15 minutes after we got into the night club! This of course, is not a very big surprise. He was such a clown back in high school and was always so popular, always laughing and being loud.
We are parked at a gas station; it’s about 2:00 in the morning. Jay gets out to pump the gas and to get us something cold to drink. He has been playing chauffeur since us girls are riding together in the back. “O.K., what would you ladies like to drink?” Katie and I both look at the 7-11 sign. We say simultaneously, “Slurpees, please!” All 3 of us laugh. Jay says, “Gees, I should have guessed since you guys were such big drinkers tonight. I think you’re the cheapest dates I’ve ever had! I was getting funny looks from those bartenders asking for so much water all night.” He smiles at us, “Alright, I’ll be right back.” We laugh at his stupid Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonation and watch him walk into the store. Katie settles deeper into the leather seat and giggles to herself. I glance over at her. “What are you giggling about, Katie?” She looks at me and starts laughing whole heartedly, that wonderful unabashed child’s laughter. I can’t help but smile at her. “What? What is so funny?” Katie’s eyes widen with amazement. “So, do you really have blinders on, or what?” I look at her in horror, thinking that she doesn’t like Jay at all. Wow, I really mismatched for her this time. “What? You don’t think he’s good-looking? Come on, he’s totally hot, and you have to admit he has that crazy “bad boy and boyish charm combo thing” goin’ for him!” She laughs even harder. “Oh yeah, I do. He definitely is nice to look at! But, that’s not what I’m laughing about. I think he has a thing for you, not me!” There is silence between us while this registers in my head. My heart beat quickens a little, “Why do you say that?” Katie smiles at me, “Didn’t you feel anything during that slow song?” My face turns hot and I ask her what she means. She repeats, “You know…anything?” I’m silently praying that it wasn’t so obvious that I felt like I was dancing naked. After all, he is my friend and her date!Katie gives me her sly, bad-girl smile. “He’s got one hell of a body. I could feel all those muscles rippling under his shirt! I swear they have a mind of their own. They were dancing to their own tune!” I settle back into the seat, leaning a little closer to her I start giggling uncontrollably. “Yes, yes he certainly does. I guess I’ve known him for so long and I’m so use to it because he always gives me hugs when we see each other.” I close my eyes, still smiling. It really did feel good to be in his arms tonight. It was pretty crowded in there, but maybe he kept pulling me closer just because he wanted to. Katie gives me her “I’m right!” smile and says, “Well, I watched you two dance and I don’t think it’s a friendly sort of dance.” I sit up and look at her. I open my mouth to deny, but before I could even get a word out, she says, “I think that you should stop trying to play the match-maker and give him a chance to be with you! There’s definitely a little something more going on between the two of you guys. I mean, I probably have a better chance with Andy after seeing the two of you.” This brings out a whole new round of laughter. Apparently, we both haven’t forgotten Andy in high school. Katie and I sit in silence for most of the way home, glancing at each other and smiling. I reach across and grab her hand, we lean into each other and just enjoy the music and cool air blowing back from Jay’s open window. Well, at least the night wasn’t just another wasted date for both of us. Jay keeps looking in the rear view mirror, trying to figure out what we are up to. I whisper in Katie’s ear, “Next time you see him doing it, wink, K? I bet we can really freak him out if we both do it at the same time!” We break out into total laughter when he does a little swerve in the road.
So, this is how it all began, a long story to tell you, my little Julia. For your 21st birthday, I give you the gift of a story to let you know how much you are loved.Happy Birthday, Sweetheart!
Love,
Your Mother
There have been so many letters that I have written and rewritten. There are so many things that I want to tell you, share with you. I have waited until this special day. I have waited almost 22 years to share my story with you. I have waited to share my deepest secrets, my most intimate thoughts. I have waited to tell you about the 8 years of my life that I spent with your father.
In every girl’s life, there will be one special man. He is the one man who will be her first love. He will teach her what it means to become a woman. He will teach her what it means to love with all of her heart, to laugh, to cry…to hate, to forgive, to celebrate, and to be thankful. I sit here and my fingers pause, for where should I begin? Your father was my first love. Most people think of young, romantic, sweet things when they hear the words “first love”. For those of us who are old enough to have experienced it, we know that it isn’t always so. My first love was one that was filled with passion. A kind of passion that grew so hot, it burned my heart and left me with ashes. There is no emotion left unfelt by its bitter-sweet end. My feelings soared from one extreme to the other and across everything in between. A giant roller-coaster ride through my life!
I always smile when I think back and know that it wasn’t supposed to be, not from the very start…I was only 21, much like you are today, Julia. I was young and I was single. I had only gotten a tiny glimpse of what it meant to be a woman and to be in love, to feel like flying and then to come crashing down and have your heart broken. Being with your father taught me so much more than what I had already learned.
Your father and I were supposed to be on a double-date, a night on the town dancing our hearts away. My girlfriend was his date, and his friend was my date. Of course, it didn’t turn out that way. My girlfriend pushed the two of us out on to the dance floor during a slow song. She had already had one song with him. I guess 2 in a row were just a little too much for her. He asks me, “So, what do you think of Andy?” I glance over to see Andy making his way to the men’s room, saying “Hi.”, and laughing with the people he passes along the way. I turn back to Jay with a smile, “Well, I keep trying to forget that I’ve known him for 7 years and he was like a big brother to me all through high school! Other than that, I don’t think of him at all.” Laughter from both of us. I glance up and look into his eyes. They always seem so dark and serious. I smile, “So, what do you think of my Katie?” He leans forward as if he can’t quite hear me with all the noise. He pulls me a little closer to him. “What about Katie?” “I said, what do you think of her? Isn’t she perfect? I mean, you were the big tough football player and she was the cute little blonde cheerleader! Too bad you graduated the year before we got there!” “Ummm…she’s really cute! She seems like a nice girl.” He pulls me even closer. We don’t say a word for the next 3 minutes. I can feel his hand resting on my lower back. I had picked out a sexy summer dress to wear, a long fitted sundress with spaghetti straps and wild flowers printed on every inch of its fabric. At this very moment, the material almost feels like it is transparent. I can feel the heat from his hands, from his entire body. I notice that his right hand covers more than the left half of my lower back. His left hand rough and calloused, fingers so thick they hurt between my fingers. The muscles in his shoulder seem to have grown under his shirt. Suddenly, I feel so small. I realize for the first time how big and strong he really is. When the song ends, we slowly pull apart and give each other a nervous smile. Later that night we are on our way home. Andy has run off with some other friends from high school that showed up. Actually, we haven’t really seen him since 15 minutes after we got into the night club! This of course, is not a very big surprise. He was such a clown back in high school and was always so popular, always laughing and being loud.
We are parked at a gas station; it’s about 2:00 in the morning. Jay gets out to pump the gas and to get us something cold to drink. He has been playing chauffeur since us girls are riding together in the back. “O.K., what would you ladies like to drink?” Katie and I both look at the 7-11 sign. We say simultaneously, “Slurpees, please!” All 3 of us laugh. Jay says, “Gees, I should have guessed since you guys were such big drinkers tonight. I think you’re the cheapest dates I’ve ever had! I was getting funny looks from those bartenders asking for so much water all night.” He smiles at us, “Alright, I’ll be right back.” We laugh at his stupid Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonation and watch him walk into the store. Katie settles deeper into the leather seat and giggles to herself. I glance over at her. “What are you giggling about, Katie?” She looks at me and starts laughing whole heartedly, that wonderful unabashed child’s laughter. I can’t help but smile at her. “What? What is so funny?” Katie’s eyes widen with amazement. “So, do you really have blinders on, or what?” I look at her in horror, thinking that she doesn’t like Jay at all. Wow, I really mismatched for her this time. “What? You don’t think he’s good-looking? Come on, he’s totally hot, and you have to admit he has that crazy “bad boy and boyish charm combo thing” goin’ for him!” She laughs even harder. “Oh yeah, I do. He definitely is nice to look at! But, that’s not what I’m laughing about. I think he has a thing for you, not me!” There is silence between us while this registers in my head. My heart beat quickens a little, “Why do you say that?” Katie smiles at me, “Didn’t you feel anything during that slow song?” My face turns hot and I ask her what she means. She repeats, “You know…anything?” I’m silently praying that it wasn’t so obvious that I felt like I was dancing naked. After all, he is my friend and her date!Katie gives me her sly, bad-girl smile. “He’s got one hell of a body. I could feel all those muscles rippling under his shirt! I swear they have a mind of their own. They were dancing to their own tune!” I settle back into the seat, leaning a little closer to her I start giggling uncontrollably. “Yes, yes he certainly does. I guess I’ve known him for so long and I’m so use to it because he always gives me hugs when we see each other.” I close my eyes, still smiling. It really did feel good to be in his arms tonight. It was pretty crowded in there, but maybe he kept pulling me closer just because he wanted to. Katie gives me her “I’m right!” smile and says, “Well, I watched you two dance and I don’t think it’s a friendly sort of dance.” I sit up and look at her. I open my mouth to deny, but before I could even get a word out, she says, “I think that you should stop trying to play the match-maker and give him a chance to be with you! There’s definitely a little something more going on between the two of you guys. I mean, I probably have a better chance with Andy after seeing the two of you.” This brings out a whole new round of laughter. Apparently, we both haven’t forgotten Andy in high school. Katie and I sit in silence for most of the way home, glancing at each other and smiling. I reach across and grab her hand, we lean into each other and just enjoy the music and cool air blowing back from Jay’s open window. Well, at least the night wasn’t just another wasted date for both of us. Jay keeps looking in the rear view mirror, trying to figure out what we are up to. I whisper in Katie’s ear, “Next time you see him doing it, wink, K? I bet we can really freak him out if we both do it at the same time!” We break out into total laughter when he does a little swerve in the road.
So, this is how it all began, a long story to tell you, my little Julia. For your 21st birthday, I give you the gift of a story to let you know how much you are loved.Happy Birthday, Sweetheart!
Love,
Your Mother
Dreams, Nightmares and Remembering...One Woman's Letters
Letters for Her Child
Relationships!!! So many of us have had ones that just stole our hearts for years and just didn't work out the way we thought it would, hoped it would. It's nice, comforting to know that none of us are alone. Almost every woman I know has had her heart broken once, twice, repeatedly.
I am sharing with you letters written by a woman to her child. She planned to gift these letters to her daughter when she turned 21. She wanted her daughter to gain some sense of wisdom in her choices that she would be making in the years to come. She wanted her daughter to learn from her own mistakes, to know what it felt like as it was happening, not just "don't do this, don't do that". She hoped that, if nothing else, her daughter would be able to recognize the signs and walk the other way. She hoped that her daughter wouldn't make the same mistakes she had so long ago.
I hope you enjoy Mia's letters filled with the story of her life, her dreams, nightmares and remembering.
Relationships!!! So many of us have had ones that just stole our hearts for years and just didn't work out the way we thought it would, hoped it would. It's nice, comforting to know that none of us are alone. Almost every woman I know has had her heart broken once, twice, repeatedly.
I am sharing with you letters written by a woman to her child. She planned to gift these letters to her daughter when she turned 21. She wanted her daughter to gain some sense of wisdom in her choices that she would be making in the years to come. She wanted her daughter to learn from her own mistakes, to know what it felt like as it was happening, not just "don't do this, don't do that". She hoped that, if nothing else, her daughter would be able to recognize the signs and walk the other way. She hoped that her daughter wouldn't make the same mistakes she had so long ago.
I hope you enjoy Mia's letters filled with the story of her life, her dreams, nightmares and remembering.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
